Everyone had different opinions about what the guest of honor would enjoy and as we jostled to have our point of view heard, it deteriorated into a competition over who she is closest to.
I enlisted the support of a few other friends so that all the work wouldn’t fall on me and that’s where the trouble began. We are very close so I found it easy to put together a guest list and plan the festivities. Life lessons are always more important…I wish you luck and fortitude and it always helps to throw in some prayers.įor my girlfriend’s 50 th birthday, I decided to make her a surprise party. It’s a very frustrating situation and changing schools is never easy but your child needs to know you have his back and that character trumps grades or the school’s reputation or resume building. Additionally, when they treat our children in such a disrespectful and accusatory fashion, we want to encourage them to (respectfully, despite its lack on the other side) stand up for themselves and make choices consistent with their own values. When they actually contravene our values – and in such an egregious way – it may be time for a change. Although primary responsibility for our children’s character development rests with us, the parents, we want their teachers to be role models and to reflect our values. Our children’s education is not only about facts and information, it is also about character and you will be giving your son a valuable lesson.Ī somewhat more radical suggestion, which I realize is not for everyone, is to take control of the situation and remove your son from the school. So, accepting that your child is not going to tattle and that it was an inappropriate request from the administrator (almost certainly violating the Torah prohibition against gossip), what should your response be? It’s really hard but I think your son should stick to his guns, even if that results in his expulsion. I am always concerned when educators ask students to tattle because they seem to not understand this basic principle. Yes, we need to teach our children that if the teenager is doing something dangerous to himself or others, they need to confide in someone but in general their mouths are shut and their loyalty sacrosanct. This is how teenagers feel about their peers and we need to understand that and respect their sense of loyalty and commitment. Ron Taffel, a well-respected child-rearing authority, wrote a book about adolescents called The Second Family. Teenagers will NOT tell on their friends. And boy is it complicated! Informal polls of teenagers – running the gamut from very secular to very religious – that I have conducted over the years show (at least) one basic common denominator. Can you help?īelieve it or not, this is not such an uncommon scenario. He’s upset and I’m upset but I’m not sure what the correct response is. He refused to do this and now they are threatening to expel him from school. Then they asked him to tattle on his friends who did. First they accused him of participating which he truthfully denied. Something happened at school that upset the administration and they called my son in. He is a great kid but not all of his friends always use the same good judgment. My teenage son was given a big challenge the other day.
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